You walk into a room and, before anyone has said much, you've already read it. Someone is quieter than usual, someone is on edge, and you're adjusting: a little softer here, a little funnier there, agreeing before you've decided what you think. By the time you leave, everyone feels fine. You're just not sure where you went.
So many of us have been here before. My own version of spiraling is going into chameleon mode, so I know this one well. It can be hard to spot while you're in it, because from the outside it looks like being kind, easygoing and good with people. My hope is that you leave this post able to see it in yourself, with one small way to start coming back.
Approval seeking behavior can look like being good with people
The habit underneath it is shaping yourself around what you think other people want, so they stay happy with you. It rarely looks dramatic. It can look like:
- Saying yes before you've checked whether you want to
- Reading the room the second you walk in and getting ahead of everyone's emotions
- Feeling calmest when everyone is pleased with you, and uneasy when someone isn't
- Over-explaining a decision so no one can be upset about it
- Keeping an opinion to yourself because it might cause friction
It shows up in all kinds of people, like the mom who keeps the peace at every holiday table or the one at work who takes on one more project so no one doubts he's a team player. It can be the person leading a team who worries every hard decision will leave someone unhappy, or the adult child who becomes whatever an aging parent needs that day. None of them look like they're struggling, which is what makes it so easy to miss.
Why chameleon mode feels safe
Earlier this year I was in a messy season leading our team, one that had been going on for about a year. There was a lot of change, some hard conversations, and feedback that was hard to hear. On the outside I was fine. I was getting things done, taking care of my kids, and I even felt grounded. On the inside, I had slipped into chameleon mode. I was hiding parts of myself, overthinking everything I did, and trying to be whatever everyone needed me to be.
Oftentimes I notice that when I go there, it's because it feels safe. If everyone is okay with me, I'm okay, and the show keeps running. But the longer I stayed there, the more disconnected I felt from myself. I couldn't hear my own inner knowing anymore, and my light started to dim.
That's the trade approval seeking makes. It buys a little calm right now, and it costs you your own voice. Many of us learned early that being helpful, agreeable and easy to be around was how we kept our place. It made sense then, and it may still be running the show now.
What it costs to stay easy to love
Wanting to be liked is human, and so is wanting connection. The trouble starts when other people's comfort becomes the measure of whether you're doing okay. You might feel tired after time with people you love, even when nothing went wrong. Decisions can take forever because you run them past everyone in your head first. You may not remember the last time you said what you wanted without softening it, and when someone is disappointed in you, it can feel like a verdict on who you are.
Leading anything tends to bring this up, whether it's a company, a classroom, a household or a friend group. When you're the one making the calls, there's a real fear of disappointing people and being misunderstood. Those moments can touch some of our oldest beliefs, including the one that says love has to be earned.
One small way to come back to yourself
You don't have to stop caring what people think. You can keep caring and still come back to yourself a little at a time. Start here this week.
Notice the moment you start adjusting. Pick one conversation, like a meeting, a call with your mom, or the drive home with your partner, and watch for the shift. Maybe your voice changes, or you agree a beat too fast. You don't have to fix it yet. Noticing comes first.
Ask yourself one honest question. Before you answer someone, ask, "What do I think here?" Even if you don't say it out loud, you've heard yourself.
Let one small preference be known. Share something real: the restaurant you'd pick, the time that works for you, the idea you'd usually keep quiet. Then notice that the relationship can hold it.
When you slip back into old habits, and you will, it's easy to jump right into self-criticism. This is where compassion comes in. We are imperfect people raising imperfect people, and that's just as true when you're leading a team or showing up for a friend. The important piece is that we notice, repair and choose something different next time. If being hard on yourself is part of the pattern too, I wrote about how self-criticism can pass for accountability.
When to get support
Consider talking with a therapist if you can't remember what you want anymore, if someone's disappointment knocks you off balance for days, or if you keep promising yourself you'll speak up and then don't. Therapy gives you room to understand why becoming what others needed once felt necessary, and to practice showing up as yourself in your real relationships. You can read more about how we approach this in our self-worth therapy.
Our team sees clients in person at our office in Peachtree City, Georgia, a short drive from Fayetteville, Tyrone and Newnan, and virtually across Georgia and Florida, depending on each provider's licensure. When you call, a real person on our team picks up.
When you're ready to start, book a free 20-minute consult with our team. We're here. 🤍
FAQ
Is approval seeking behavior the same as people pleasing?
They overlap. People pleasing usually describes what you do, like saying yes too often. Approval seeking describes the need underneath it: needing others to be happy with you to feel okay. Many people notice both.
Where does approval seeking come from?
For a lot of people it starts as a way to stay close, like being the helpful one or the peacemaker growing up. It isn't a diagnosis, and it doesn't mean something is wrong with you. A therapist can help you sort out where your version came from.
Can I care about people and still stop seeking their approval?
Yes. Caring how people feel is a strength. The change is letting their reaction be information about them and the moment, instead of a ruling on your worth.
This post is educational and is not a substitute for therapy or medical care. If you're in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or call 911.
