One of the hardest parts of growth is that it doesn't always feel like growth while you're in it. Sometimes it feels like embarrassment. Or regret. Or that voice in your head that just keeps saying, I should have known better. I should have done this differently.
I've been in one of those seasons. And I had an aha moment I couldn't keep to myself, because I think a lot of you are living some version of this right now. So let's talk about it.
The Messy Leadership Season That Triggered My Anxiety Spiral
For about a year, I've been navigating a really hard season in my business. A lot of change on the team. Hard conversations. People leaving. People who were unhappy. And as I was walking through all of it and taking in the feedback, I found myself in a loop I didn't immediately recognize as a problem.
Am I a good leader? Am I cut out for this? Did I cause all of this? Am I selfish? Am I missing the mark entirely?
My inner critic was loud. And I just let it run. For months.
Here's the wild part. On the outside, you would have never known. I was still getting things done. Still showing up for my kids. Still holding it all together. That's what anxiety in high-achieving women often looks like. Everything running smoothly on the surface. Everything quietly unraveling underneath.
The spiral for me looked like hiding. Overthinking every single decision. Going into this chameleon mode where I was just being whatever everyone needed me to be so I could feel safe. And the more I did that, the more disconnected I felt from myself. My inner knowing went quiet. My light dimmed. And I kept telling myself I was fine.
Why Anxious High-Achievers Mistake Self-Criticism for Accountability
I was listening to a podcast episode on imposter syndrome and I almost skipped it. I told myself I didn't really struggle with that. I do the things. I set goals and I meet them. But another part of me whispered, maybe you do. Just in a sneakier way.
And then something clicked.
I had been sitting in self-criticism for months and calling it accountability. I genuinely believed that if I just beat myself up enough, I would learn the lesson faster. If I stayed in that critical place long enough, I would not make this mistake again.
I am a therapist. I hold compassion for other people every single day. I can see why people act from survival strategies that no longer serve them. But applying that same lens to myself? Completely out the window. The self-criticism felt productive. It felt like I was being a responsible, self-aware person.
It was not accountability. It was self-abandonment. And those two things are not the same.
Accountability vs. Self-Abandonment: Knowing the Difference
This is the part I really want you to sit with, because I think a lot of anxious women are living in self-abandonment and calling it growth.
Accountability sounds like: I can look at what happened and recognize my part. I can repair where it is needed. I can ask, what is this trying to teach me? What part is mine and what part is not mine to carry?
Self-abandonment sounds like: I am the problem. I am ruining things. I should shrink. I cannot trust myself or the decisions I am making.
Accountability keeps you connected to yourself. Self-abandonment asks you to leave yourself completely. To become whatever everyone else needs you to be so you can feel safe again. And when we do that long enough, we lose the thread back to who we actually are.
What Anxiety and Imposter Syndrome Are Really Telling You
Here is the reframe that changed everything for me.
The reason I was in this anxious, self-critical spiral in the first place was actually because I was willing to put myself out there at all.
I had the courage to build something. To lead. To show up and say this is the vision I have for my team, my family, my life. I was operating at a level I had never been at before. And the discomfort was not proof that I was doing it wrong. It was proof that I was doing it.
Leadership will always bring up the unhealed parts. Whether that is at work, at home with your kids, in a friendship, or just in your own inner life. The people-pleasing. The overfunctioning. The hypervigilance around everyone else's emotions. The fear of disappointing someone or being misunderstood or causing conflict.
That anxiety is not a sign you are not cut out for this. It is a sign you care deeply and you are growing in real time.
Every new level asks you to become a different version of yourself. And that becoming is uncomfortable. That is not a flaw in the process. That is the process.
Questions to Ask When Your Inner Critic Gets Loud
When I started pulling myself out of the self-abandonment loop, it was not through more criticism. It was through better questions. As an anxiety therapist, this is one of the most powerful shifts I guide clients through. Moving from shame into curiosity.
Instead of asking: What does this say about me and who I am?
Try asking:
What is this trying to teach me?
What part is mine and what part belongs to someone else?
Where am I overfunctioning?
Where am I being unclear?
How do I want to show up here, not perfectly, but intentionally?
What would the version of me I am becoming do right now?
These questions do not let you off the hook. They actually hold you more accountable in a way that keeps you moving forward instead of spiraling in place.
The Messy Middle Is Not Proof You Are Failing. It Is Proof You Are Brave.
Maybe you have been replaying a hard conversation all night long. It is not that you did it wrong. It is that being that honest and vulnerable with someone was new, and new things feel scary.
Maybe you set a boundary and the guilt has not let up. It is not that the boundary was wrong. It is that showing up differently in a relationship is uncomfortable and your anxious nervous system is trying to keep you safe.
Maybe you tried something new and immediately felt exposed. That feeling is not a signal to stop. It is a signal that you are in the arena and you are doing the work.
The messy middle always feels personal. It always feels like failing. But sometimes it just means you showed up. You tried. You were brave enough to want something more.
What I Want You to Remember
We can grow and own our part without making it our whole identity. We can disappoint others and still be good people. We can be in the learning and still be worthy of trust, from others and from ourselves.
Imposter syndrome will try to convince you that the discomfort means you do not belong here. It does not. The discomfort means you are becoming. And becoming is the whole point.
The courage to try might be the bridge between who you were last year and who you are becoming now. So try again. Fail again. Get back up. Feel the discomfort and be willing to sit in it. Because if you do not, the only person you are holding back is yourself.
Ready to Stop White-Knuckling It Alone?
If you recognized yourself anywhere in this post, the inner critic that will not quiet down, the anxiety hiding behind productivity, the feeling that you have to earn your own compassion before you are allowed to rest, I want you to know that this is exactly what therapy can help with.
This is not about being broken. It is about being human and having the courage to want something different for yourself.
At Nurture and Be, we work with women who are tired of running on empty and ready to actually feel like themselves again. We help you untangle the difference between accountability and self-abandonment, reconnect with your own inner knowing, and build the kind of relationship with yourself that actually makes life feel sustainable.
We offer a free 20 minute consultation for women in Florida and Georgia. You do not have to have it all figured out before you reach out. You just have to be willing to start.
Head to www.nurtureandbe.com to book your free consultation. We would love to be part of your next chapter.
