From the Nurture & Be Therapy Services team in Peachtree City, Georgia, with insights from our founder, Brooke Ferreira, LMFT
Your child is falling apart in the kitchen. Your partner is handling it, just not the way you would. Before you’ve decided anything, you’re already across the room, smoothing things over and taking charge of a feeling that isn’t yours.
So many of us have been here before. I know I have, and I’m still learning this one. The difference between holding space for someone and carrying what’s theirs can be hard to spot in the moment, and even harder to practice. My hope is that you leave this post feeling more confident in one tangible way to start doing it differently.
What holding space means
Holding space is a popular phrase, but truly at the core it’s simple. You stay present with someone while they feel something hard. You listen, you stay steady, and you let the feeling run its course without rushing to end it.
Carrying it is when the feeling becomes your job. Their disappointment turns into your emergency, and their frustration turns into proof that you did something wrong. From across the room, the two look identical. What gives them away is how you feel afterward: holding space usually leaves you connected, while carrying it leaves you drained.
Why it feels like your job to fix it
Many of us learned early that keeping everyone okay was our job. Maybe you were the oldest daughter, the peacemaker, or the one everyone counted on. First born daughters, I think, do this especially well, and I am that. That role tends to follow you into adulthood. At work, you absorb the team’s stress. At home, you’re up the second your child gets upset. It comes from love, and it still costs you something.
When someone you love is hurting, you might notice you go one of two places. For me, it’s either guilt and shame, “I should have known better, I should have done something differently,” or straight to “well, let me just fix it.” Guilt turns their hard feeling into a verdict on you. Fixing jumps in with solutions or takes over something someone else was already handling. Both are ways of making an uncomfortable feeling stop, and both leave the person you love less room to work through their own experience.
At home, this can look like rushing in while your partner is the one parenting. I catch myself trying to control my daughter’s experience by controlling what my husband’s doing. It makes sense. You love your child, and you know what usually works. But taking over can tell your partner you don’t trust him, and tell your child that big feelings need a rescue, when what helps most is a steady adult nearby.
How to stay close without taking over
You can keep caring this much and still change what you do with it. Start here.
Notice the urge. It might be a tight chest or words already forming in your mouth. Naming it gives you a pause between the feeling and the fix.
Ask whose feeling this is. Is this yours to solve, or yours to witness? Most of the time, someone else’s disappointment is theirs to feel.
Settle your body first. I have to regulate myself in these moments to avoid jumping in. A slow breath, a hand on the counter, or a step into another room can keep you close without taking over.
Give the choice back. Let the people you love make the choices and decisions that feel best for them. It can sound as simple as, “That sounds really hard. What do you need from me?”
Meet yourself with compassion when you miss it. It’s easy to jump right into self-criticism, but this is where compassion comes in. You’re going to mess up. We are imperfect people raising imperfect people. The important piece is that we notice, repair, and choose something different next time.
When it’s time for more support
If other people’s emotions leave you constantly exhausted, or you feel guilty whenever someone you love is unhappy, therapy can help. It gives you room to understand why carrying everything once felt necessary, and to practice something different in your real relationships.
Our team at Nurture & Be works with moms and families in person at our Peachtree City, Georgia office, a short drive from Fayetteville, Tyrone and Newnan, and virtually across Georgia and Florida, depending on each provider’s licensure.
When you’re ready to start, book a free 20-minute consult with our team. We’re here. 🤍
FAQ
Can I set boundaries and still be a caring mom?
Yes. Choosing not to take on your child’s or partner’s feelings as your own is a boundary, and it protects your connection with them.
Do I need therapy to change this pattern?
Not always. Many people make progress with awareness and practice. Therapy can help when the pattern feels stuck, keeps you exhausted, or ties into how you see your own worth.
Is there a therapist for moms near Peachtree City, GA?
Yes. Nurture & Be Therapy Services sees clients in person in Peachtree City, Georgia, and offers virtual therapy in Georgia and Florida, depending on each provider’s licensure.
This post is educational and is not a substitute for therapy or medical care. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or call 911.
